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- 1 – Law of Cat Inertia
- A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force – such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.
- 2 – Law of Cat Motion
- A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.
- 3 – Law of Cat Magnetism
- All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.
- 4 – Law of Cat Thermodynamics
- Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, all heat flows to the cat.
- 5 – Law of Cat Stretching
- A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.
- 6 – Law of Cat Sleeping
- All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved as is possible for the cat.
- 7 – Law of Cat Elongation
- A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any countertop, that has anything remotely interesting on it.
- 8 – Law of Cat Acceleration
- A cat will accelerate at a constant speed, until he gets good and ready to stop.
- 9 – Law of Dinner Table Attendance
- Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.
- 10 – Law of Rug Configuration
- No rug may remain in its naturally flat state, for very long.
- 11 – Law of Obedience Resistance
- A cat’s resistance varies in inverse proportion to a humans desire for her to do something.
- 12 – First Law of Energy Conservation
- Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will therefore use as little energy as possible.
- 13 – Second Law of Energy Conservation
- Cats also know that energy can only be stored, by a lot of napping.
- 14 – Law of Refrigerator Observation
- If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.
- 15 – Law of Electric Blanket Attraction
- Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.
- 16 – Law of Random Comfort Seeking
- A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.
- 17 – Law of Bag / Box Occupancy
- All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.
- 18 – Law of Cat Embarrassment
- A cat’s irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.
- 19 – Law of Milk Consumption
- A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.
- 20 – Law of Furniture Replacement
- A cats desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.
- 21 – Law of Cat Landing
- A cat will always land in the softest place possible.
- 22 – Law of Fluid Displacement
- A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.
- 23 – Law of Cat Disinterest
- A cats interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.
- 24 – Law of Pill Rejection
- Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.
- 25 – Law of Cat Composition
- A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn’t Matter.
- 26 – Law of Selective Listening
- Although a cat can hear a can of tuna being opened a mile away, she can’t hear a simple command three feet away.
- 27 – Law of Equidistant Separation
- All cats in a given room will locate at points equidistant from each other, and equidistant from the center of the room.
- 28 – Law of Cat Invisibility
- Cats think that if they can’t see you, then you can’t see them.
- 29 – Law of Space-Time Continuum
- Given enough time, a cat will land in just about any space.
- 30 – Law of Concentration of Mass
- A cat’s mass increases in direct proportion to the comfort of the lap she occupies.
- 31 – Law of Cat Probability (Uncertainty Principle)
- It is not possible to predict where a cat actually is, only the probability of where she “might” be.
- 32 – Law of Cat Obedience